I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
