Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
