did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
they need to just BURY HIM!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize