I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
