So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
