If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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