seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
