If that was your dad, he is hot
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
