Sry I called you an 8
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
