Got a toothbrush?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
