She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
