my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
