Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
