Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
