I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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