I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
