so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize