Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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