Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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