I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize