i just had sex bonerless
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize