we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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