I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
