I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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