i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
