A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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