she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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