just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
