If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
