Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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