my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
