I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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