You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
