I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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