I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
