don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
