Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
