I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
