That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
