You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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