I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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