Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
