you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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