Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
