Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
