im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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