I just threw up on my dentist
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
