If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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