I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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