Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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