Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize