you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
