I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
