Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
