the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Randomize
