why didn't you poke me back
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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