I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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