The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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