If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
