Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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