This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize