I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
