I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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