if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
