Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
