Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
