the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
