I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
