woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
