i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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