so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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