SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
